I feel like most of my post seem to center around anger or bitterness with some thoughts of anxiety and depression thrown in. I promise not all of my post will be that way, but for now, I’m writing about what I know and how I feel. But most of my posts stem from life experiences and what I encounter on a daily basis. Sorry not sorry if I’m still a little dark.
Have you ever been somewhere and you feel like the conversation is directed towards you? I feel like this at church sometimes, but often in unassuming places like movies or books as well. I just so happened to be at church yesterday when I had one of those moments. I read the title of the message from my bulletin and silently thought to myself, “well dang.”
I knew it was going to be one of those messages I felt like was written solely for me to hear. The headlining statement was “In life: You will get hurt by someone else’s hand.” I sat there with a feeling of dread that I was going to feel convicted by the end of the service. And my naked truth: It is something that I didn’t want to hear or feel. I was not ready to give up what the message was suggesting.
Every single person has been hurt by someone in their lifetime. It may have been emotionally, mentally, physically. You could have lost the one person that thought you would never lose. You could have been betrayed, cheated on, stolen from, lied to. I can think of more ways to hurt someone than to not. But at the end of the day, once you get hurt by someone else’s hand, you will never be the same. It is something that time may decrease the rawness of the edges, but it is always there.
I’ve had a lot of hurt in my life. I’ve been hurt by both my parents, I’ve been incapacitated by past relationships, I’ve been crippled by family, I’ve been wounded by friends, I’ve been harmed by people I barely know (which hurts surprisingly much) and I’ve been betrayed by people I would have taken a bullet for. I spent many days searching for answers, but that only led me to more questions. And sometimes you’re better off just not knowing. I spent even more time thinking of revenge and justice. I was bitter and angry. I wore that darkness like it was my lifeline. And you know what the ironic thing was, the darkness that was consuming me wasn’t effecting all of those wronged me. I was only keeping myself in prison.
I am still traveling down the road of forgiveness. But there are still a couple people I’m just not ready to forgive. I mean they hurt me in the worst kind of way! Why should I forgive them? They don’t deserve forgiveness. The message from church though reminded my of the answer.
1. Though hurt by another’s hand; you have a choice.
2. If you choose “even,” you are still in prison.
3. Forgiveness, not revenge is life’s only hope.
So to those that I was unwilling to forgive, I write this for you.
I forgive you. Not for you, but for me. Because like chains shackling me to the past I will not longer pollute my heart with bitterness, fear, distrust or anger. I forgive you because hate is just another way of holding on, and you don’t belong here anymore.