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Feeling Like A Stranger in Your Own Skin

Feeling like A Stranger in your Own Skin

Do you ever feel like you don’t know who you are? Like a stranger even to yourself? Like the blood flowing through your veins is alien. Do you ever feel like the pounding of your own heart is unbearable? Does your mind ever feel like the thoughts in your head are so loud you claw at your ears just to have a moment of peace? Do you feel so detached from the world that you can’t even bring yourself to cry?

I was sitting at my computer drinking some ginger ale because my stomach is feeling uneasy. Actually, it may be more accurate to say my whole being feels uneasy. I think I have a sinus infection or a cold or some other lovely ailment. I started writing a blog about weddings. My dad’s wedding, one of my best friend’s weddings, and my own wedding. I started writing and as soon as I did I had this bizarre feeling. It was like my body wanted to cry but I was physically unable to. I’ve never not been able to cry. I actually cry all the time. I cry in movies and TV shows, I cry writing letters, I cry reading books. I cry talking about my feelings, I cry when I can’t make up my mind on decisions, I cry when I’m happy, I cry when I’m mad, I cry because I feel like crying is good for the soul. But today, I can’t. I sat back and tried to access my mood, and I came up blank. I don’t have an adjective to describe how I am feeling right now.

I walked to the bathroom to splash some cold water on my face and take a few deep breaths. I looked myself in the mirror and I just had this overwhelming sense of unfamiliarity and indifference.  It was like I was just detached from my own self. I woke up feeling a little off, maybe even a little sad. My morning didn’t get much better when I discovered my poor puppy got sick in the middle of the night and threw up five times all in different areas of carpet. But I’m a nurse so a little bodily fluid never tarnishes my whole day. My mood just got weirder and weirder throughout the day.

I should be happy. I should be dancing around in my beautiful wedding dress that came in the mail yesterday. I should be a lot of things, like I am most days. But today, I’m just not. My anxiety has been flirting with me lately. I’m not sure if that is where my mood today is stemming from or not. I’m not sad. I’m not frustrated. I’m not angry. Those things may be a little easier for me to grasp. I’m not familiar with this strange way I’m feeling, so I’m not sure what to do to snap myself out of it. A couple years ago, I could have popped a few pills or made a pretty little line on my arm and I could be brought back to my reality. My way of dealing with any and everything. Naked truth: sometimes I think life was so much easier then. I sometimes envy the girl I used to be.

Today I’m struggling. I don’t have any reason in the world to feel this way, but apparently, my brain didn’t get that memo. I usually feel too much. It is both a blessing and curse to feel everything so very deeply. My heightened emotions make the dark days seem all consuming but then allow more joy and happiness than I thought was possible for a person to have in one lifetime. And each day usually gets better than the next. But this is different, much different. I don’t know what it’s like to not have deep emotions, even when I feel nothing, I feel it completely. I don’t know what to do with that. So today, I struggle.

 

xoxo

Jojo

Things You Don’t Want to Hear

I feel like most of my post seem to center around anger or bitterness with some thoughts of anxiety and depression thrown in. I promise not all of my post will be that way, but for now, I’m writing about what I know and how I feel. But most of my posts stem from life experiences and what I encounter on a daily basis. Sorry not sorry if I’m still a little dark.

Have you ever been somewhere and you feel like the conversation is directed towards you? I feel like this at church sometimes, but often in unassuming places like movies or books as well. I just so happened to be at church yesterday when I had one of those moments. I read the title of the message from my bulletin and silently thought to myself, “well dang.”

I knew it was going to be one of those messages I felt like was written solely for me to hear. The headlining statement was “In life: You will get hurt by someone else’s hand.” I sat there with a feeling of dread that I was going to feel convicted by the end of the service. And my naked truth: It is something that I didn’t want to hear or feel. I was not ready to give up what the message was suggesting.

Every single person has been hurt by someone in their lifetime. It may have been emotionally, mentally, physically. You could have lost the one person that thought you would never lose. You could have been betrayed, cheated on, stolen from, lied to. I can think of more ways to hurt someone than to not. But at the end of the day, once you get hurt by someone else’s hand, you will never be the same. It is something that time may decrease the rawness of the edges, but it is always there.

I’ve had a lot of hurt in my life. I’ve been hurt by both my parents, I’ve been incapacitated by past relationships, I’ve been crippled by family, I’ve been wounded by friends, I’ve been harmed by people I barely know (which hurts surprisingly much) and I’ve been betrayed by people I would have taken a bullet for. I spent many days searching for answers, but that only led me to more questions. And sometimes you’re better off just not knowing. I spent even more time thinking of revenge and justice. I was bitter and angry. I wore that darkness like it was my lifeline. And you know what the ironic thing was, the darkness that was consuming me wasn’t effecting all of those wronged me. I was only keeping myself in prison.

I am still traveling down the road of forgiveness. But there are still a couple people I’m just not ready to forgive. I mean they hurt me in the worst kind of way! Why should I forgive them? They don’t deserve forgiveness. The message from church though reminded my of the answer.

1. Though hurt by another’s hand; you have a choice.
2. If you choose “even,” you are still in prison.
3. Forgiveness, not revenge is life’s only hope.

So to those that I was unwilling to forgive, I write this for you.

I forgive you. Not for you, but for me. Because like chains shackling me to the past I will not longer pollute my heart with bitterness, fear, distrust or anger. I forgive you because hate is just another way of holding on, and you don’t belong here anymore.
xoxo
Jojo

Unwanted Memories on a Wednesday

I hate getting flashbacks of things I don’t want to remember. 

I recently joined a new small group. Last week was my first week. There is a girl in my group that claimed I looked familiar. We went back and forth trying to figure out how she knew me. We went from sports, high school, church, mutual friends, etc trying to figure out a commonality. This week at small group she sat down and said she knew why I looked familiar now. She knew my ex boyfriend. I was unprepared for that connection. I’m guessing because of the look on my face she quickly backtracked and clarified she knew him from going to the same college briefly and then occasionally from going to the college something Wednesday nights at our church. I contemplated leaving right then, but decided against it. I sat there silently pleading that she didn’t date and/or hook up with him. 

She mentioned they lost touch when he turned into an actor/model. It was everything in me to hold my tongue. My ex likes to portray many things that he isn’t, and a successful actor/model is one of those delusional things. He hasn’t done any notable acting or modeling jobs and still lives at home with his parents at almost 30 years old. I also don’t say that out of pettiness, it is just the facts. That relationship was the beginning of the end of my demise of 2014. (Of course, there will be numerous posts stemming from this in the future.) 

Iyanla Vanzant wrote, “Until you heal the wounds of your past, you are going to bleed. You can bandage the bleeding with food, with alcohol, with drugs, with work, with cigarettes, with sex; but eventually, it will all ooze through and stain your life. You must find the strength to open the wounds, stick your hands inside, pull out the core of the pain that is holding you in your past, the memories and make peace with them.” 

It’s been about two and a half years since we broke up, and I am in a different relationship now (married-ish). My relationship now is real and healthy. I am also almost two years without self harm and my old self destructive ways. I am in a much better place in all aspects of my life, but to be honest, just hearing his name brought back a tidal wave of emotions. I was instantly transported back to my feelings of insecurity and inadequacy. 

It seems like just yesterday I was being told I wasn’t pretty enough, I wasn’t thin enough, I wasn’t fun enough, I just wasn’t enough. My ex tried explaining that it was ultimately my fault that HE cheated on me because I just wasn’t up to par with his “image.” I remember sitting down in my bathroom after he tried to justify his multiple cheating situations (with multiple girls) and I believed every word he said. I was fat, I wasn’t pretty. I wasn’t enough. So I sat in my bathroom and cut myself on my wrist that afternoon in April. I cut myself after being free from self harm for over 3 years. However, I have distanced myself enough from this time in my life to realize: my ex is not to blame for ANY decision I made. Did his actions influence me? Yes- but I am the one that spiraled out of control. I used his words and actions as amunition to continue to slip into the darkness. I let alcohol and other bad relationships bandage my pain and when those didn’t work, I continued my self harming with a new intensity. 

In the beginning, I did blame my ex, but he is not/was not responsible. Looking back, we did have many great memories together. I naively thought we would get married someday. Sometimes I have to remind myself that if our whole situation was different, I wouldn’t be where I am today. I may not have the friends I have today, I probably wouldn’t be in the town I am today. I know I wouldn’t be with the amazing man I am with now. And I probably wouldn’t have to the same passions and goals I have today. 2014-2015 consisted of pain that was agonizing for me. But I made it to the other side of that pain with a life that is extraordinary. I am thankful everyday to have my life and the people I share it with. I wake up everyday and remind myself I am beautiful; I am enough. 

But, and there is a but here, I am only human. Even though I am happy with where I am today, it doesn’t mean that the past wasn’t painful. It doesn’t dull the aching pain I get when unwanted memories are resurfaced. I’m not sure if I was just caught off guard or I am still making peace with my past. Maybe a little of both. I will be honest, I fought tears the rest of the night and struggled when insecurities and negative thoughts invaded my mind once again. I guess I am still in need of some forgiveness and healing. But that’s okay. I am okay, I am more than okay. 

xoxo

Jojo

Aveda and Anxiety

I got my hair done today. Getting pampered all day at a salon and spa is one of my favorite things to do ever. I get to relax and sip on my latte while someone else makes my hair pretty. That someone else happens to be an old friend. I’ve been blessed to gain not only a fabulous hair stylist over the last 7 years, but a great friend. I am currently transforming my hair from jet black to a platinum/ashy blonde. It has taken over eight months and half a dozen Olaplex treatments to get my hair almost back to my more natural blonde shade. Hint: it isn’t naturally jet black. We are still working on this transformation.


My hair is thick and stubborn. It likes to hold onto warm red pigments which I do not like, so it’s been a long and challenging transition. It also gives me a good four hours a session to essentially be stuck in a chair. I don’t know what it is about sitting in that salon chair, but it just gets my little mind spinning. Typically, my stylist-Cori gets to hear all my rants, ideas and frustrations. We catch up and see what is new since our last session four weeks ago. Nothing is off limits and some of our years past conversations are evidence of that.

Today started off with me being rushed. It is the only day off from the hospital this week, so I took full advantage of not having to wake up at 4 AM this morning and slept until the very last minute. From the moment I hastily jumped out of bed, gabbed a yogurt smoothie and ran out the door, I was on edge. I started making to do list for the day and thinking of all the things I needed to do before work the rest of the week. This continued when I sat down in that salon chair. I was there, but I wasn’t present. I’m not sure what grabbed my attention, but I soon realized that something wasn’t ‘normal’ with my friend.

As we talked and started our normal banter, I just continued to feel like something was wrong. Cori began quietly telling me he was struggling from anxiety. He was telling me he wasn’t himself and was getting to a point where he was experiencing panic attacks. He felt like he didn’t know who to talk to because most of his friends wouldn’t understand. Because Cori has been through the last few years with me, he knows about all of my struggles. We spent a lot of time discussing what was going on, whether or not to het help and the possibility of taking medication.

After we talked about different options and suggestions, we smoothly shifted gears to lighter things. I could tell how much of a difference in Cori’s attitude after we talked about anxiety. Even though it is 2016, there is still such a stigma towards mental illness. We have been friends for a long time AND he knew I personally struggled with anxiety (among other things) and was still hesitant to admit he was wrestling with these feelings. We ended my appointment laughing about how silly boys were and making a wine night date.

Sometimes all it takes is a moment of courage for someone to admit to anyone they are struggling. Sometimes, you just need a latte and a friend to make things a little easier to breathe. Jennifer Elisabeth said, “I’ve grown up defined by this desperate, undeniable, ‘can’t breathe’ kind of space inside of myself and I’m afraid that the diagnosis is fatal.” I felt this was practically my whole life and it breaks my heart that people I love have similar feelings. I know firsthand, how hopeless and overwhelming anxiety can feel. I didn’t want to reach out to anyone or do anything, but sometimes that is exactly what you should do.

Today started out crazy, and while I wasn’t exactly anxious, I wasn’t peaceful either. Because of my conversation with Cori, and undoubtedly getting my hair played with for four hours, I walked out of the salon feeling like a different person. I have come a long way in my journey with anxiety, but it is still there most days. It doesn’t debilitate my life the way it used to, but anxiety likes to keep me company. I was reminded today that sometimes you have to slow down. Enjoy the little things (enjoy getting your hair done, sipping a latte, reading a good romance book), be present in the now. Be a good friend to yourself and others. Especially when they are struggling.

Also, side note. If you have never tried an Aveda color and products, you should. Because everything Aveda is bomb, along with Olaplex conditioning treatments. All these things allow your hair to be transformed from jet black to red to almost platinum blonde in a few months without hair falling out.

 (See almost blonde!)

Xoxo

Jojo

Disappointment 

Disappointment is something that occasionally plagues my life. And right now it is consuming me. I get disappointed for thousands of reasons because I expect more. I worked really hard to get to the place I am in and I refuse to not demand more. 
Without getting in too much of a back story (we barely know each other…) my dad wasn’t what a father should be. He was an alcoholic and on too many contraindicating prescription medications. He was mean and abusive when he was around. Everyday he took a sip of alcohol or took another pill, he pushed my brother and me further away. I say ‘was’ for all of this, because he is no longer suffering from alcoholism and he has a great doctor that has straightened all of medication out. Did I mention he is bipolar, depressed, severely anxious and has chronic pain? Everyday he has to choose to not fall back into his old lifestyle. He has since apologized and tried to have some sort of relationship with my brother and me. 
It has been a long and difficult journey to get where we are with my dad. Trying to start a relationship and essentially get to know each other. If you have never been in a similar situation before, let me be the first to tell you, it is hard. How can you ignore that past 25 years? With all the above being said, I realize my dad is just human. He is going to make mistakes. 
Disappointment is a tough emotion. It is stealthy and sneaks up on you before you are even aware of emotions. How does all this tie together? Well my dad forgot my brother’s 22nd birthday on Monday. This is the second year in a row he has forgotten my brother’s birthday. He also didn’t call or text me on mine, but this is about my brother. Okay, maybe about me too, but I’m supposed to not care… My brother called me about 9 PM on Monday night and was devastated his father forgot his birthday. He even called my dad to see if it would make him remember. Nothing. My heart was so broken in that moment. It broke for my brother and for me. My heart ached for the little kids that just wanted their father’s love. 
There is many other facets in the story, but him forgetting our birthdays was the last straw. After talking to my brother, we decided we were going to break the chain. Through all of this, we were the most disappointed in ourselves. Every year, time after time, we expect something different. My father has never given us a reason to put faith in him, and each time he lets us down, we are hurt. This is not new to us. It’s all we know of him, but it doesn’t stop the disappointment. 
My first thought, since I am an ‘Ice Queen’ was to just allow the hatred to flood my heart. I wanted to throw my hands up and stop trying to have a relationship. Hatred, rage, or just numbness is easier than everything else I was feeling. I was struggling with what to do. Last night, my brother sent me a quote from The Light Between Oceans that was so spot:
“‘I choose to,” he said. ‘I can leave myself to rot in the past, spend my time hating people for what happened, like my father did, or I can forgive and forget.”

   “But it’s not that easy.”

He smile that Frank smile. “Oh, but my treasure, it is so much less exhausting. You only have to forgive once. To resent, you have to do it all day, every day. You have to keep remembering all the bad things.” He laughed, pretending to wipe sweat from his brow. “I would have to make a list, a very, very long list and make sure I hated the people on it the right amount. That I did a very proper job of hating, too: very Teutonic! No”- his voice became somber- “we always have a choice. All of us.””
It was in that moment that my little brother gave me such clarity. No matter what I do, I can’t rewrite the past. I can however, still write my future. We can choose if hatred and bitterness engulfs our hearts, or if we choose compassion, forgiveness and love. It is exhausting and damaging to allow those negative feelings to anchor you under water. People are going to disappoint you, but we have to move forward. Cut the anchor and let yourself breathe! We also have a expect and demand better. Don’t just allow people to disappoint you constantly, don’t allow that to be the normal. In order to do that, you have to demand more of yourself. If you say you are going to do something, do it. Let people learn from example. There is so much more to life than disappointment and pain. So do better. Be better. Be more. 

xoxo

Jojo

NSPD16

3:23 AM and I am wide awake. I typically read when I can’t sleep, but my nook is dead. So here we are. Insomnia is a funny thing sometimes. I am so exhausted but my mind just won’t stop. It’s been a while since my thoughts has been this loud. I suppose because I am so passionate about what today is, actually what this week is.

Today is National Suicide Prevention Day. According to the National Center for Health Statistics, the overall suicide rate in America is at a 30 year high. This means more than 800,000 people die by suicide around the world every single year. On top of this number, the CDC claims there are many more suicide attempts that go untreated or unreported. The CDC also says that at least one million people in the United States engage in intentionally inflicted self-harm.

These numbers are staggering and heart breaking. Many of these statistics could have been prevented. But because of the ignorant stigma surrounding mental illness, many people in desperate need of help do not seek it. There is clear scientific evidence that is incontestable that a physical connection exists with most mental disorders, many people still stigmatize others because they stupidly hold on to the misguided beliefs that people with mental health disorders are weak, crazy, or lack will power. Many people who need help do not get it because of this stigma. (Have I mentioned I loathe stigmas?) So they live their lives with untreated illnesses, like depression, anxiety, PTSD. And this unfortunately can lead to suicide.

There are so many things can be done to help eliminate this deadly epidemic in the world. First and foremost, if you need help, seek it now! It doesn’t matter what anyone else thinks, the only things that matters is you get help. Second, if you have never struggled with a mental illness, I’d like to ask you where do you stand? Are you encouraging the stigma or are you helping eliminate it? Be part of the solution, not the problem.

Suicide, depression, anxiety, and all other mental illnesses need to be things we talk about. The truth is, everyone alive experiences pain in their own way. Everyone struggles. We are all human. We need to all stand together to face the hard stuff.

The past two years have been a combination of the worst and best times of my life. At my lowest, I was on the verge of giving up, actually I wasn’t on the verge. I stepped straight into oncoming traffic. I was reckless, I didn’t want to die, but I didn’t want to live either. I was at a dangerous crossroad that ultimately landed me in a psychiatric inpatient facility. But through all of that, I was given another chance. My struggles never got easier, but I slowly became stronger. “And so I kept living.” (Que Matt Haig’s book Reasons to Stay Alive)

I kept living even though every day I struggled with anxiety, depression and feeling lonelier than I’ve ever felt before. I felt ashamed of my story and how I felt. This week is important to me because not only does it raise awareness for suicide prevention but it also helps raise awareness for mental illness. Because of organizations like TWLOHA and support from my true friends (and countless therapy sessions) I started embracing my story and not believing the stigma of suffering from a mental disorder.

The author of the book Reasons to Stay Alive wrote, “I think the statement is just a declaration that life is not always going to be the same, that when we feel we are in the bad place we have to ride if out, because there will be many better times, many better versions of us, which we can reach simply by holding-no KNEW- everything would get worse. It didn’t. Depression lies. And I found beauty in life after I thought it had been made extinct.”

My point in all of this is simply, I struggled. I let the bad situations and sadness pull me into the darkness. It was a really long time before I was able to escape that life. I let the pain of my sadness and loneliness convince me that I wasn’t worthy. That I was alone. That I would never be enough. So I want to tell you, that I know you are facing a bad situation right now. I know you are struggling a little. (Or maybe you aren’t, maybe you can just help raise hope.) But hear me when I say- I’ve been there. And I made it out the other side.

You can make it through. No matter what you have going on. There is light at the end of the tunnel. Just keep crawling and scratching and fighting until you make it to the other side. You are never alone, just ask for help. Reach out to others, or call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-8255. One of the key symptoms of depression is to see no hope. No future. But that is a LIE. There is hope, there is a future. Please just give yourself the chance to believe it.

xoxo

jojo

Oh, hey. 

My name is Jorie Anna. As in Tori with a ‘J.’ I like to go by Jojo, but I will answer to just about anything. 

I am an open heart surgery RN. I guess you could say I’m a heart girl. I am also a wine enthusiast/wanna be world traveler/book lover/coffee drinker/nap taking girl. I have a rescue shih tzu named FRIG that I love more than most people. I talk more in quotes and song lyrics than anything else. 

I hate being in big groups of people- actually around most people in general, but I hate feeling lonely. I am always tired, but can never sleep at night. I hate messy unorganized things, but I’ll leave my shoes in the middle of the floor for a week (it’s standard location, duh). I often get called an Ice Queen, but I’m extremely emotional. I have so much to say, but talking literally exhausts me. I want to change the world, but I don’t know what that means yet. 

The past two years has been a mix of the worst and best times of my life. There were months that I didn’t think I could survive the darkness another day, and then there were days I felt so happy I could explode. My story didn’t just start two years ago though, it’s been a journey starting back as long as I can remember. There are so many things I wish I could go back and change, but I’ve accepted that those things are just a part of my story. I’m no longer ashamed of my story anymore. I’m no longer ashamed of who I am. I am who I am. I am enough. 

My name is Jorie Anna. I am 25 years old. I’ve seen and experienced much more than anyone should ever have to experience. I am a daughter and a sister. I’m a sinner that has been saved by grace. 

“And I want to tell my story so people don’t have to die before they decide they want to live.” 

-Jojo